Oh God... if only somebody could know what you know. Anybody!!!! It's so hard!
I wouldn't like to seem selfish, i know everybody's lives are difficult. If i compare my life and life in children's home for homeless kids or in prisons or smth else, then i must be happy!
Unfortunately, i definitely convinced in one point about happiness. The happiness is the one and the only thing. Even if people can argue me that for them happiness is money or fame or big house, or pleasure...nobody can change my mind. All these have nothing in common with happiness.
I don't like such moments when i think about it! because my mood falls down too deep, that i start crying.
Even don't know how to say to make it look like not complaining.
It's a sin for me to complain. i have almost everything, which i really don't need. I would be ready to give ALL this for only 1.
I cry because i always know that i'm totally alone. and it is very constant , and i almost lost hope for changes. Everybody are alone, even when they have relationships. Some relationships are fake, and usually people don't notice it. It's a very great miracle when 2 people are absolutely opened with eachother, honest, without any secrets with really true feelings which they can show, without fake and lie. Mostly happenes that one wishes it and another just let him/her feel/do it.
Sometimes both try to play a role. I mean not in a bed, but in life in relationships.
Sometimes somebody tries to find image for him/herself and hide behind it from people because of fear and/or inferiority or something else which depends from the past.
And sometimes, from total daspair, you try to find love, respect and maybe a bit worship somewhere.. and maybe everywhere. And even if person will make everything for illusion of happy life, it's not true.
For example, my poptfolio-pictures. There is amazingly sexy woman. She is very succassful, everybody want her, dream of her, write to her...but all of them can't give that love and support and feeling which pushes us to live full life, to breath full chest, to feel yourself in harmony with this hard life. Because you need to feel that you are not alone.
Don't please understand me wrong! Of caurse we have family. i mean parents, sisters, brothers, we have friends, best friends.. they can help us always! It's GREAT!!!!!! But you may agree with me that all of them can have their own happyness too. Your parents (if you have normaly close and trustful relationships) love you and they always will do it!!! Friends love you too for your personality, they like you very very much :) It's amazing to have close friends, when you know that there is a person who can help you every moment, understand and support you in hard times. But it's not enough for happyness.
Sometimes when i realize that i even have NO idea of how can it be to feel even a fake happiness. I always live in my fairy world, it's very hard to trust people. I try to come to the Earth and be here... sometimes i think it's impossible to find that "the one and the only" ...
who knows, maybe someday the curse will gone and i'll kiss...
Maybe if somepeople who read this blog, will think a bit and make some changes or maybe not changes... just notice some moments and understand something new and make right conclusions and decisions.
