If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You’d use a star to dot the “i”
In "I love you"Â… that is what youÂ’d do
YouÂ’d take a cloudy sky and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
ItÂ’s the very least youÂ’d do for me
You know I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
But if you really care for me
YouÂ’d let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath, I shouldnÂ’t even have to ask
Perhaps youÂ’ll even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true
We go together
Like a cracker and Brie
Like racism and ignorance
Like bling and R&B
But if you really want to show you care
YouÂ’d let me wear your underwear
When we visit your mum, it's for a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
ThereÂ’s no reason for a big to-do
If your love for one another is true
We go together
Like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and porn
Like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
YouÂ’d purchase forty cockatoos
And teach them to flyÂ… in formation in the sky
And shit the words “Tim is God” on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love
Is all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes itÂ’s handcuffs and cheese
No-one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
YouÂ’d sing me passages from the Koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder
Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs cock
And if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldnÂ’t go through childbirth
YouÂ’d agree to adopt so that you could stay thin
WeÂ’ll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin
And communists donÂ’t make as much noise
And theyÂ’re really good at sharing their toys
Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like Born-Agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys
And if you love me just a modicum
YouÂ’d softly rub my perineum
And stick your finger up my bum
As IÂ’m about to cum
IÂ’ve heard itÂ’s quite acceptable and reasonably fun
Not that I would want you to
But hypothetically itÂ’s something you might do
If you loved me unconditionally
Like letting me video you while you wee
...assuming thereÂ’s nothing worth watching on TV
:
D