Simon: "Always about you, isn't it. 'I'll be in Maria, I'll be in Torchwood, I'll be in any bloody show that'll have me - even Buzzcocks.'
"Right. Well Bailey, you cheated there."
Bill Bailey: "Yeah, I cheated. What of it? You ain't the boss of me. I ain't never gonna be your bitch."
John to Simon: "Talk to the hand 'cause the wrist is pissed."
Bill: "Yeah!"
Simon: "You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!"
John to Simon: "Let's have a gay-off! Ready? Lips pursed, hands on the table and go!"
Simon (looking all devastated): "I haven't even told my mom yet."