IRC-Galleria

ah what to say. one i should not be up this time of the day... but i cant sleep because i feel like i might throw up. i'm so mistable to be leaving, i'm scared. i dont want to go, i'm scared .. i wont come back. i keep thinking... so why are you coming to finland taryn? friends.. yes of cause, but u have them in australia... cant be work thats easier in australia by far as if the language living housing.. and just life. My life would be so easy if i lived in australia. went to uni and got agood job. But... i'm not happy there.
here. my life is so stressful and challanging... never boring.. ish XP
there are special people here in finland who keep luring me back and some one who once i'm here makes me want to stay. but... my reasons are being removed... every ones leaving here... i dont know if i want to be here if i have to be alone, but i dont want to hold anyone back because i would hate them if they did it to me.
time has gone so fast, and i feel like i havent acheived everything i set about to do... but i guess i shall have to try again. i'm not the kind of person to give up, the more i'm told no, the more i desprately want it to the point of causing myself pain to get it.
i met a girl from the USA who was only 23 and had a duel passport with finland so she coild live in both places. thats what i want.
i feel really small and weak.
i hate feeling weak, my dad makes me feel weak and i hate it so passionately. i'm not weak
i dont know many people who can take the kind of emotional slap to the face like i can, or a phisical one for that matter.
i really cant handle this... i'm so scared, but i ant say it, oly write it cause again, i dont wanna whine and bitch like a crazy cow.
i miss you so much already... and i havent even taken a step off the ground. it's like i'm leaving half of me behind, like i just ripped my soul from my body and left it in my waking shadow as i leave nothing but foot prints behind me.
poetic beauty huh? told u i did english as a major... or as i just an emo.. only time shall tell.
i fel crushed... in so many ways.



on another note. my friends fixed.. i think some issues they were having. all my friends are .. with some one. its so nice to see every one so happy, i wish i could have that too.
ah and of cause i have been spoilt with the COOLEST gifts. i think i should come and leave more often :3

you guys have no idea how important you are to me.
please... i know you wont forget me.. but dont forget that i'm missing you and working hard to come back... when i hear from you guys... it makes my day and reminds me what i'm fighting for.

ok.
Action a'la Taryn.

wednesday:-
23:55- train to helsinki

thursday:-
8:37- arrive in helsinki.

Friday:-
must investigate DTM and know what the fuck every one is on about

Saturday:-
plane leaves at 16:00 i think... or about that time, so i have to be there like.. 14:30 or 15:00 at the latest.

Sunday:-
woot lets flew... and spend 15 hours in hong kong... yay ... NOT! i will get on the net here

Monday:-
i'm back in australia in my town by the afternoon, so like...ther is now about a 7 hours time jump between fin and Aust. i time travelled. so when u guys have lunch at 12:00. i will be having dinner at 19:00 >XP

ohhhh god what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkvLlY7SkUc&feature=related

D= the horror!!!!!!!!!!!

11 days... thats all i have left in finland... and its killing me inside. i try not to talk about it with people, but it keeps coming out of my mouth, i cant help it its all thats on my mind. and even worse... i only have 3 days left in Oulu.
i dont know how i'm going to manage a second time in Australia... i was so lonely and depressed last time, i dont want to go back to that. i love my family, and australian friends i do, but... i'm so misrable there... i dont wnat to go back, i cant stand it. when i was in australia everything was so different and i hated it, i couldnt find myself there... and being gone from finland for so long, when i came back... every one had changed, and i'm terrified...
that i'll end up alone in both worlds.

me and any other friend who wants to come are going to Onnela on thursday this week because its cheapper to get in and its kinda like my going away party ish for my friends in oulu who cant come say good bye in Helsinki. so yeah
come get drunk with me i only have 10 days left in the country before i have to suffer at least 6 months back in australia >XP

oh god i love this man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnrFSfZ0T_I

and his new songs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCEDG9kvRtE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBnihNlc-vI&NR=1
i mean how can you not love him, he so adorable and has the most insane voice and lyrics!!!

for the last month i have been thinking about things and have noticed something going on around me.
its all so fast. all my friends are moving so fast their life is like on constant fastforward when i feel like i'm in slow motion. they are all growing up and moving on to bigger better things and i am still in the same place in life i was when i was 17 years old...
i must admit... i feel kind of left behind.
all my friends are coupleing up... both Australian and Finnish...
and i feel... kinda lonely in that part of my life. suddenly every one has a some one, and i'm still awkward 17 year old..
thats what it feels like i guess. i think thats why i want a dog. a dogs never going to leave you, their your partner for their whole life and they never think that your too fat or your ugly this morning.. yeah.. i think thats why.
i kinda miss my family in Australia alot at the momnet... because with my family, i'm very close. i miss dylan, we were very close.
i miss getting tight hugs and jumping around.
i miss being in love...

i guess i should not complain. i have traveled so much to places people only dream about. and seen things people would never think of. i live a life thats never still.. but at the same time.. its lonely at the top.
i dont think i can ever be complete.. my two halves will never be one, because i can not bring Finland and Australia together. and both of them are who i am, and i wold love to be whole, but i dont think i can be.
i get stressed thinking about having to leave one behind...
i worry about losing friends who are more like family... i worry about losing family.

i'm lost in my own fog. i need some one to guild me out i think.
i want some icecream

hahah tonight was pretty fun.
but ahhh this morning... i was so sick.. it was a matter of not fearing i would die.. but more... fearing i wouldnt die i was in so much fucking pain!
and it last most of the day, but after that i went and actually had a lotta fun at omake. there was about 9 of us lotta food lots of fucked up animes and talks... it was really good i enjoyed it
and now i'm so full of food form it i look like i might be having twins >XP
but anyway.. anni.. my angel. she gave me 50€ for the rest of my time in finland. i'm not going to waste it, this money is for me to live on, and to enjoy my last days in helsinki or my last day in Oulu, what ever the case maybe.
tiia and cappi gave me a really useful gift... a food ticket for euromarket of 10€ so now i can go get more food.
life has been pretty good... i'm quiet content. its amazing... for a long time i dont feel angry or irritated or jelouas or betrayed... the only thing i think i suffer from right now is this over power feeling of being anxious... very anxious
like.. there are soooo many things in my life and doors.. i dont know which to chose or what is comming at me, its all rather... scary...
hmm yeah

mira has shorn me!!
i have no hair!! :D

hmmm i had my cards read last night... i dont believe in lots of things. but it was really creepy how close to my life it was
one card, that always shows up in my readings is death.. which creeps me out.
but death does not have to mean like... some one is going to die... it can mean the end of soemthing. it read... i have to let something die before i can move on..
so many choices...to chose from... what do i want to let die.