IRC-Galleria

My mom made me mastrubate to hentai porn. Whenever she found my stash of regular porn she'd preach me how that crap was totally rotting my brain because porn is nothing like regular sex at all and I'd be unfit for any sort of normal relationship at some point in the future if I kept that porn-habit.
I concluded that that meant that mastrubating to hentai's ok. Because that is drawn and extremely unreal porn to begin with. You had to be totally out of your mind to let that cloud your perception of reality.

Thank you mom. You suck sometimes. I still mastrubate to regular porn though, she did not win completely. HAHA!

I don't do this very often. Maybe once a month if that. But its my favorite way.

First, cook up a batch of spaghetti. Seriously.

Let it cool a bit, but keept it warm. Body temperature should be what you're going for. Once its cooled a tad, stuff as much as you can into any wide-mouth jar you have available. Mason jars work perfect for this.

Go get some plastic wrap and cover the top with it. Make it several layers thick because one thin layer could tear from the mighty pounding you're about to give the jar. Wrap a rubber band around the mouth of the jar, securing the plastic wrap to it.

Oh yes, baby. We're almost there.

Now take a pencil or other similarly-sized object and poke a hole in the plastic. Keep pushing the pencil down until it hits the bottom of your jar. Move the pencil up and down, and swirl it around a bit. You want to make a hole thru the spaghetti about as wide as your finger. DON'T MAKE IT TOO WIDE! YOU WANT YOUR SPAGHETTI TO BE AS TIGHT AS A 12 YEAR OLD!

While you've been doing this, you should've melted some butter. Again, let the butter cool so its not super hot, then pour a bit of it into the hole you made with your pencil. You don't want a lot of it in there, just enough to lube things up.

Then, take your jar and go to your bed. Lay the jar on it side on your bed, and throw a pillow on top of it. You lay ontop of the pillow and insert your cock into the hole in the plastic. Like a virgin 16 year old girl (or boy, I suppose), the jar will resist at first but then slowly give up its soft, warm secret to your thrusting. (Plus the jar won't lie to you and tell you its really 18!) Keep fucking it while enjoying whatever porn you have around.

Whenever I do this, I cum so hard I'm almost frightened. A lot more work than a sock around my cock, but definitely worth it.

The jar stays good for a day or two, if you feel like reusing it. If not, I suppose you have a pasta dinner!

Enjoy!

One night, a few years ago, I was browsing the internet in the middle of the night. Around 3AM. I was in the den and had no lights on except the monitor of my 22" lcd screen. I heard a noise in the room up stairs. I paused my adult video to investigate. I went upstairs quietly but stepped on a few cheetos going up the stepes...I looked around the corner and saw a negro man attempting to carry my anime video collection out of my house...We achieved eye contact and he drew a gun at me..I peed my pants and as he pulled the trigger...I awoke.

It was all a dream.

I was still safe and sound in my parents bedroom. However, I still peed my pants.

God it was terrible reliving that...

I don't know man. His sister definitely took it too far, but I still feel a LOT of guilt for doing something similar with my sister. I've tried to block it from my memory, but my sister was 5 and I was 4. I don't know how my sister got the idea, but yeah...we ended up...you know...licking

I know she remembers too but we've never talked about it since. Its a mutual "never bring that up or I will kill you"

So a few days after my OP, we hung out again. Went to her place around 11pm after day 1 of my grandmother's funeral. I showed up wearing a nice black-on-black-on-black suit ensemble, and she was in some godawful clothes. We spent the night watching some shitty Russian fantasy/horror movie that made no sense (on her surprisingly nice widescreen Samsung LCD computer monitor...but it was still a computer monitor), and she kept mentioning how cute the lead actor was every 5 seconds. Halfway in, she made me accompany her to the basement of her apartment building so that she could get her laundry. Um, okay.

We returned, resumed the movie, and that's when she decides to order a large pizza for herself (I was full from the funeral lunch/dinner), and also contemplated ordering some gelato for her fatass, but was able to resist the temptation. Pizza arrives (Pagliacci's...yummy) and she immediately wolfed down 3 slices before determining that it was of inferior quality to their normal pizza. Whatever.

I should note that we were watching the movie in complete darkness in her bedroom while sitting on her bed, so I was obviously expecting to get some. She failed to deliver. After the movie, lights come on and her supposedly shy cat who doesn't like strangers is molesting my hand, and she asks me to stay for another 30 minutes so that her Korean-obsessed ex-roommate can drop by and see me.

"Sweet," I thought, "I can probably get some from her. With her cute name (will not disclose here), she is bound to be somewhat attractive." During the wait, I have to use her bathroom, but her gigantic litter box is blocking the bathroom door, so I had to drag that out to pee, and then push that sucker back in. It was around this time her Korean-obsessed friend and her Korean husband arrive. She was a definite and I pretty much lost my erection for a week after seeing her. As soon as the friend saw me, she gave me this huge bear hug. The following 30 minutes of conversation between the four of us was much worse than lowtaxporn.avi. I couldn't stand it anymore (her friend ate the rest of the large pizza) and I finally excused myself with the excuse that I had to wake up early for day 2 of my grandmother's funeral.

Came home, took an ambien, and got 9 hours of sleep. Too bad grandma's second funeral service started in 8 hours. Yes, I was 50 minutes LATE for my grandmother's funeral (why the entire family didn't frantically call me or bang on my door is beyond me), and I live literally 2 blocks from the funeral home/cemetary.

P.S. I am spending Christmas with her. She specifically requested that I bring my car and my mouth. She will be cooking. She is either socially inept and doesn't realize that an invite of "Hey, come hang out at my place on Christmas. I'm cooking and we can watch the sequel to [shitty movie]" is an offer of sexual services during the course of aforementioned events, or I am actually finally getting the goods.

Let's be serious for a second here though, so everyone doesn't think I'm an asshole. Goon girl is pretty cool, everything I wrote is extremely exaggerated, and she's in on the joke (Hi D). I'm still expecting Christmas sex, though. (Yes D, that means you.)

So my first goon meet actually went well. (Although technically not the first...it turns out that my next-door neighbor on Semester at Sea this past spring was a goon, as well as another friend I made during the program. It's eerie how easily I've gotten along with all the goons I have met.)

--I'm 24 and I've never been kissed out of love before
The only time a girl's ever kissed me was when I worked at McDonald's and some nice girl said she'd give me a kiss on the cheek if I washed the dishes for her so she could leave early. I did.

i just got some real poon for the first time a week ago (stfu im only 15) and i gotta admit it was not nearly all what i was expecting. i used to think the world would stop turning and zeus would come down to shake my hand. but now i dont even think about it that much jerking it feels better so id pick COD4 just cus ive been waiting for it for so long and i could get some poon again later with a better girl cus this one sucked so bad on top im still pissed.

[16:03:14] [Legenda`]: word
[16:03:35] [Legenda`]: tuolta kolosta tulee koko ajan jotain skeidaa ja mä syön sen
[16:03:44] [Legenda`]: pystyisinköhän elättämään itteni sillä?? emt

I really hate having to shit when I'm not home and have no way of getting back there. Public restrooms are the worst but I can't even think about using the toilet at my work without puking because there is a fucking giant obese man that works here and I'm pretty sure his asshole alone is bigger than the seat on the bowl. I have seen him go in and out of that bathroom and it ruined the whole thing for me. I don't want to sit down on something that has touched the insides of a unbearably fat beast-man's anus.

So you're working out and getting buff so you are strong to do what?

"Getting women" as if they are objects to do what? Fuck them and forget about it? Some life. "Getting women" improves your social status amongst those who hi-five people for being "playa"s. Who gives a damn about being more social amongst those vapid wastes of food and employment?

Video games are a great way to have fun, and enjoy things that are availible to you in life. Not only this, but the making of a game is an art form - by playing through, say, an RPG, you are treated to a grand story that is just overwhelmingly more fufilling than going out, fucking some chick, hi-fiving yourself and calling it a night.