IRC-Galleria

I never would have thought that the only thing left of you would be a gravestone and a necklace.
I was never prepared to face this earth and be forced to forget your voice.
I was never prepared to grow up.
Within a chain reaction of events I am now more lost than I was the day I lost you.

Because almost ten years ago I promised I'd never plan ahead.
The most I ever got to was fifteen.
But the realization never hit until I turned 16.
Ever since that day I have been utterly lost. I have stood with a knife to my stomach trying to gather the courage to stab it through me so I could finally rest.
And all it took for me to drop the knife was my phone going off.
In that moment I was thinking perfectly. And I would be lying if I said those thoughts changed at some point.
Looking back at it, it wasn't even me snapping out of the thought.
It was just curiosity. What if something happened to my friend? Is she okay? She wouldn't be able to handle my death. My mom wouldn't.
And at that moment I realized I have to live for other peoples sake. Not for my own.

And even after all those years nothing has changed.
It's a never-ending dilemma of wanting to stay because I'm carrying something heavier than my own life. I'm carrying other lives as well.
But at the same time, I can't do this. I don't want to carry this. I am so. Exhausted. Drained. I am worn out.
But I have to be here. I have the obligation.
The responsibility.
I have to carry this.
And I can't even talk about this.

I can't take this.
I just want to scream.
I'm so sorry but I can't handle myself alone.
I'm so sorry but I need someones support.
I need comforting.
Because I never got that from anyone.
I've had to grow up thinking these feelings were wrong and,
I shouldn't show them to anyone.
My feelings are a burden.
For once I would like to believe my feelings matter.
And that I'm not being annoying or a burden by crying.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who I'm apologizing to.

I don't want to open up.
I feel like whenever I talk about how I truly feel,
I drive everyone around me away.
I feel like it's a line in the sand for people.
I feel like people can't handle me.
That I'm too much.
I don't want to cry alone though.
I don't want to be alone.
Please someone.

I had to learn about anxiety at age 8.
I had to learn about depression at age 8.
I had to learn about death at age 8.
I had to try to understand the concept of suicide, at age 8.
I had to learn to keep myself alive, fed, at age 8.
I had to learn to live without support, at age 8.
I had to wonder if my own mother hated me, at age 8.
I had to wonder if it should have been me instead.
I can't keep myself together.
I am barely alive.

tunnen oloni seksikkääksi ja hyvännäköiseksi kun olen:
1. ilman meikkiä
2. väsynyt
3. masentunut

en osaa uskoa et näytän tältä.

en vaan jaksa.
en halua tehdä muutakuin tuntea oloni välitetyksi ja rakastetusti.
en tunne oloani hyväksi. en haluu olla yksin.
ansaitsinko kaiken mitä koin?
en ymmärrä miten olen tässä.
this is a cry for help-

Up there (yeah)

Who do I have?

Heaven and hell, my friend (my friend)

I won't shed a tear,

Let them see me in pain again,

Hello (hello), from the dark side in,

Does anybody here wanna be my friend? (my friend)

Want it all to end,

Tell me when the fuck is it all gon' end? (end)

Voices in my head,

Telling me I'm gonna end up dead (dead)

So save me (save me)

Before I fall (i fall)

So save me,

I don't wanna go alone (alone)

So save me (save me)

Before I fall (i fall)

So save me (save me)

I don't wanna go alone.

I think I, I think I finally,

Found a way to forgive myself,

From mistakes I made in the past,

I think that's the first step, right?

You agree?


I've dug two graves for us, my dear,

Can't pretend that I was perfect, leavin' you in fear,

Oh man, what a world, the things I hear,

If I could act on my revenge, then, oh, would I?

Some kill, some steal, some break your heart,

And you thought that I would let it go and let you walk,

Well, broken hearts break bones, so break up fast,

And I don't wanna let it go, so in my grave I'll rot,

I've dug two graves for us, my dear,

Can't pretend that I was perfect, leavin' you in fear,

Oh man, what a world, the things I hear,

If I could act on my revenge, then, oh, would I?

Some kill, some steal, some break your heart,

And you thought that I would let it go and let you walk,

Well, broken hearts break bones, so break up fast,

And I don't wanna let it go, so in my grave I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

In the grave, I'll rot,

I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot (is my pain your freedom?)

Is all of my pain your freedom?

Enjoy

I don't feel much pain,

Got a knife in my back and a bullet in my brain,

I'm clinically insane,

Walkin' home alone I see faces in the rain,

Where did all the time go?


I can show you everything I learned,

While you were away from me,

Runnin' away from me, but I'm not givin' up on you,

It's just the way I be,

It's just the way I see things,

Take her away from me, but I'm not givin' up on you, no,

It's just the way I be,

It's just the way I see things.