IRC-Galleria

I never would have thought that the only thing left of you would be a gravestone and a necklace.
I was never prepared to face this earth and be forced to forget your voice.
I was never prepared to grow up.
Within a chain reaction of events I am now more lost than I was the day I lost you.

Because almost ten years ago I promised I'd never plan ahead.
The most I ever got to was fifteen.
But the realization never hit until I turned 16.
Ever since that day I have been utterly lost. I have stood with a knife to my stomach trying to gather the courage to stab it through me so I could finally rest.
And all it took for me to drop the knife was my phone going off.
In that moment I was thinking perfectly. And I would be lying if I said those thoughts changed at some point.
Looking back at it, it wasn't even me snapping out of the thought.
It was just curiosity. What if something happened to my friend? Is she okay? She wouldn't be able to handle my death. My mom wouldn't.
And at that moment I realized I have to live for other peoples sake. Not for my own.

And even after all those years nothing has changed.
It's a never-ending dilemma of wanting to stay because I'm carrying something heavier than my own life. I'm carrying other lives as well.
But at the same time, I can't do this. I don't want to carry this. I am so. Exhausted. Drained. I am worn out.
But I have to be here. I have the obligation.
The responsibility.
I have to carry this.
And I can't even talk about this.