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Olen asiakaspalvelija- Minulla on vähintään korkeakoulutasoinen tutkinto kirjanpidosta, suhdetoiminnasta, markkinoinnista, liiketoiminnasta, atk:sta ja swahilin kielestä.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- tietenkin muistan kuusi vuotta sitten tekemäsi tilauksen, vaikkakaan sinulla ei ole tilausnumeroa ja muistelet, että se on tehty nimellä, jonka ensimmäinen kirjain on “T” tai “A”. Olen vieraillut kaikissa mahdollisissa paikoissa ja tavannut kaikki mahdolliset ihmiset.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- minulle on päivänselvää, että kun puhut perjantaista, tarkoitat tietenkin tiistaita. Minulla on kalenteri täydellisesti hallussa, kun määrittelet ajankohdaksi “ei siitä kauaa ole”.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- tottakai, minähän valehtelen, kun sanon, ettei haluamaanne tuotetta ole enää jäljellä erikoishinnalla.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- ei tietenkään ole mitään vaivaa järjestää nopeasti 125 lisätuotetta haluamallasi erikoishinnalla. Ja tottakai minulla on oikeus poistaa alv:t hinnastasi ja antaa -50%:n alennuksia.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- pystyn katsomaan 10 asiakasrekisteriä, hoitamaan 5 tilausta sekä vastaamaan 15 puheluun -kaikki yhtäaikaisesti.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- tiedän tarkalleen, mitä tehdä missäkin tilanteessa käyttämättä ollenkaan rahaa tai sekuntiakaan aikaa.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- olen vastuussa ruokatarjoilusta, liikenneruuhkista, säästä, henkilökohtaisista ongelmistanne ja kansallisesta taloudesta.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- en koskaan loukkaannu, kun olen tehnyt 10 tunnin etsintätyön vain kuullakseni sinun kertovan “ostin sen itse internetistä ja säästin 25 euroa”

Olen asiakaspalvelija- minusta on ihanaa, kun ihmiset tulevat luokseni ja yhtäkkiä olettavat minun tietävän kaikki puhelinnumerot Turusta Ivaloon ihan vain päästäni. Tiedän myös kaikkien kilpailijoiden hinnat ja aukioloajat ja muistan ne kaikki, sehän on itsestään selvää.

Olen asiakaspalvelija- sinun ei tarvitse kertoa minulle mitään tuotteita tai nimiä, sillä olen ajatustenlukija ja minulla on jo tilaus valmiina kristallipallossani ennen kuin kerrot minulle mitään.

Minä hymyilen, olen empaattinen, sympaattinen, pahoittelen, mairittelen, hinnoittelen, esiinnyn, laulan, tanssin, steppaan, korjaan printterin ja tietokoneen sekä saan aikaan maailmanrauhan.

KOSKA SAATANA OLEN ASIAKASPALVELIJA!!

Kuuden vuoden lukemisella näitä on kertynyt ihan vitusti (tarkalleen ottaen 35 Word-sivullista). Blockasin ja jaottelin muutaman sivun verran HP hauskuutta. Enjoy :)

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(Draco): "IÂ’m not a cat person."
(Harry): "Or a dog person, judging by the way you treat Snuffles."
(Draco): "Okay, IÂ’m not an animal person. Or a people person, really. IÂ’m pretty much a me person."
> (A Series of Problems by Draco Malfoy-Potter)

In Harry's world there were people you could talk about sex with and people you couldn't, and in Draco's there did not seem to be a division, especially if they blushed well.
> (Gold Tinted Spectacles by Beren)

Catch him off guard and then go for the kill. Maybe even start a fistfight, thus going in with physical contact and rolling around on the ground and then maybe some strategic movement of the hips. Easy enough.
> (Darken Many Virtues by Sara)

Harry always wanted Draco to give him one of Those smiles. Not that it meant anything, of course. Harry just liked to appreciate pretty things, and a charming, seductive smile from Draco Malfoy was very, very pretty.
> (High Standards by Margaret Rose)

"There's total uproar at home. My wife, my mother and my sisters-in-law are furious. Ginny's locked herself in her room and we think she's smashing things up in there. Charlie and Fred are laughing their heads off, and Bill wants to know if he can set you up with a friend of his in Egypt. Happy Sunday morning, Harry."
Harry had the grace to look a little abashed. "Sorry I upset your mum."
Ron rolled his eyes. "I'm sure she'll get over it Â… in a century or two." A grin dawned on his freckled face. "I don't think she ever dreamed her precious Harry would storm into her house and yell at Ginny to grow up and realise he's gay."
Draco looked at Harry. "You didn't?"
"He did."

Malfoy had very pretty teeth. Harry Potter was not gay because he admired Draco Malfoy's teeth. Everyone did, or everyone should.

Not having anything to compare it against, Harry couldnÂ’t say for sure if this was the best blowjob ever, or the worst, but he was pretty sure that blowjobs in general were the best thing ever invented, surpassing ice cream, puppies and electricity by a wide margin.
> (A Long Way From Home by Samayel)

"Well, I left you dying. Yet, you're not dead, which I definitely prefer, by the way."
Draco chuckled. "Good, I would be absolutely worried if I was dead and you still preferred to fuck me."

Malfoy gave him the 'surprised pleasure' version of the Malfoy Eyebrow. Malfoy had an eyebrow for all occasions.

He opened his book, settled back, and in a moment looked as still and relaxed as if heÂ’d never moved.
"YouÂ’re lika some huge, irritating, blond cat", Harry said.
"Cats donÂ’t read, Potter. And, please, do shut up."

(Sirius to Harry): "You're saying you're offended because his feet are attractive. Do you realize how gay that sounds?"

"We were trying to concoct a potion to kill your hero, Malfoy," Ron growled.
Draco gasped. "Why would you want to kill Mr. Blackwell?"
"Who?"
"Wait, isn't he that Muggle fashion critic?" Harry asked. "Why would he be your hero?"
"Because he has a cruel sense of humour and an excellent sense of style. Duh."
"Don't play dumb, Malfoy, we're talking about Voldemort, of course."
Draco cocked an eyebrow. "Of course. You presume that You Know Who is my hero, because of what? The dreamy pinup I have of him in my room?"
> (The Hogwarts Breakfast Club by Darkvictory)

(Draco): "You think I don't know that this sounds crazy? Fine, you can just scurry along with your army of Aurors and leave me here to deal with the evil chair. But when you have to explain to the Ministry why they don't have a witness because I'm dead in my own house with chair marks around my neck, you'll wish you'd listened to me."

"I need chocolate to fortify me!"
"You always need chocolate, Draco.”
> What Separates Us

Harry stared. Another invisible gay man? Except, he wasn't gay. So, that would make it one potentially invisible gay man and one definitely invisible definitely not gay but possibly confused man.
> (Welcome to the Broom Closet by Incapricious)

"You know, maybe there is hope for you yet."
"Not all of us can be geniuses like you."
"I know", his soul mate replied dramatically, "sometimes I wonder how the world keeps turning without me."

He brandished his wand like a sword he'd use to slay anything that threatened Draco. His actions made Draco want to do odd things, like kick him for thinking that Draco was the type that needed to be rescued. Actually, that wasn't so odd. Since their falling out, Draco had often thought of kicking Harry.

"Would you ever insist that Draco and I use a narcoleptic vicar if we decided to get married? You know, if we could get married."
Snape just stared at him with the horrified fascination he usually reserved for his students' most spectacular potions mistakes.
"I didn't think so."

"IÂ’m not entirely sure, Mr. Potter, but IÂ’m going to guess that the man shaped lump under the blankets next to you is Mr. Malfoy and that he was here all last night and all morning."
> (Different Worlds by Professor McKitten)

He can't waste his few remaining pounds on a box of condoms when there's still groceries to buy. It momentarily bothers him that he's able to suck face while thinking of his grocery list.
> (The Unfinished Tales of Shadow Puppets)

Harry has a list of good reasons why, starting with you're as lonely as I am and ending with a slow and practiced striptease.
> (Black Story by Jay Tryfanstone)

The thought that there might be a special circle of hell reserved for people who beat off to thoughts of Snape would have been riotously funny, if he hadn't been so personally involved.

Somehow the man managed to sit in the spindly wooden chair as if it were some kind of weird throne, and in the cheerfully tumbled and chaotic room he looked like an urbane vampire who'd gone slumming. Harry resisted the urge to find something sharp and wooden to ram through his chest.
> (A Choriambic Progression by Mairead Triste and Aristide)

"Heinrich and his mates are at me again to get you for an interview."
Snape frowned. "Who? No. No interviews."
"You might consider it."
"I might stick a fork in the toaster."
"No matter that making an impression on some influential people would help you get out of here sooner."
"Arsenic would help me get out of here sooner.”
> (The Fourth Year by Calligraphy)

Severus sighed. He pushed open the living room window, keeping half-heartedly near it as he lit another cigarette. The only ones he hadn't liked were some honey-clove monstrosities which he'd executed by dropping them one at a time into the bushes from the second floor window. He'd made up crimes against humanity for each of them, passed sentence, and given a little scream each time one plummeted to the earth.
"I'm going slightly madÂ…" he sang, and idly contemplated shaving off all his body hair just to see the look on Potter's face.

"To have sixteen year old hormones again."
"You do have sixteen year old hormones, Derek, you just have no one to share them with."

(Draco to his kids): "Same rules as last time. You have thirty minutes to spend your ill-gotten gains before meeting outside Flourish and Blotts. If you're late, we'll assume you're dead and mourn you accordingly. Now, off with you!"
> (How Do You Mend a Broken Heart? by Mahaliem)

Truth About Harry. It occurs to me that it could be the title of some obscure Muggle musical. I envision a chorus of Gryffindors singing the opening number, 'The Boy Who Lived'. A line of Weasleys dressed in sparkling, gold hot-pants go can-canning across my imagination. I shudder and quickly stop that train of thought before Voldemort enters stage left and starts his solo, 'This Potter Must Die'.
Hosanna! Superstar!
Oh gods. IÂ’ve gone mad.
> (If You Are Prepared by Cybele)

"...And sheÂ’s very, very pretty, and nice, and terribly female. And one day I will recover from the last time she blew me off and I will ask her out again."
"Harry, she blew you off halfway through fourth year. YouÂ’re going into seventh year."
"I have a fragile ego."

(Dudley): “I’m not ordering a lager. I have a reputation to keep up here.”
(Harry): “What kind of reputation? He Shakes It, Baby – and causes earth tremors in Ethiopia?”

Harry gave him a stunned look too, mostly because Blaise was wearing vinyl trousers and a shirt that said 'Pretty in Pink.'

He was cursed. There was no other explanation. Voldemort had dressed up as an evil fairy and cursed him at his christening.
Harry had a sudden bizarre and upsetting image of Voldemort in a black vinyl dress.

"Well, yes," Malfoy answered. "This is a Muggle club, Potter. Our parents would die if they found out."
"Your parents might die," Blaise said darkly. "You’re lucky, you’re the only heir. I have brothers – my parents would kill me."
"You donÂ’t know my father," Malfoy said. "HeÂ’d still kill me. HeÂ’d kill me and heÂ’d stuff me, and heÂ’d say, 'Yes, this is Draco. HeÂ’s my only heir. HeÂ’s a bit quiet recently, I donÂ’t think he likes living in this glass case.'"

It was lovely. Incredible. Wonderful.
"Darling!"
Oh, God, it was Lockhart.
> (Slip of the Tongue by Seeker)

“When'd you figure out that you were, you know...?”
“Well, when I was very young,” Remus started sarcastically, “I was bitten by a homosexual and every full moon I found myself redecorating my room and listening to Muggle torch songs.”
> (The Ambiguously Gay Werewolf by Jack Ichijouji)

Kaipa nämä pian ilmestyy kaikkialle, mutta ajankuluksi kirjoitin ylös ja liitin tänne. Enjoy.

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I will battle for the sun
And I wonÂ’t stop until IÂ’m done
You are getting in the way
And I have nothing left to say

I will brush off all the dirt
And I will pretend it didnÂ’t hurt
You are a black and heavy weight
And I will not participate

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

I will battle for the sun
‘Cause I have stared down the barrel of a gun
No falling
You are a cheap and nasty fake
And I am the bones you couldnÂ’t break

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

I will battle for the sun

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