IRC-Galleria

as we say in elina land, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.


why can't i ever accept it???????????

det är tvär lungt. det är tvärlungt nu. elina det är tvärlungt. tro mig. du hade han o du hade han.
nu är det tvärlungt. du blir bara sugen på mer.



afhhjdgfs ajfhaskjfhj fdjfsgfskgfa dsjaskldjasdj that is my feeling. don't speak real. it's not fucking tvär lungt. not for me. it doesn't work! you smiled at me and you charmed me and you pulled the feet from under me (literally) when we we're goofing around upstairs. you got me on the ground and i got the rope around you feet. and we laughed, we laughed alot and it doesnt end like that for me it's just a beginning.

i dont regret, i dont regret. it was a near piece of heaven for heavens sake of course i dont regret.


why can't i just learn to live with it........? o m g. i feel i cant. i cant drop it.

det är tvärlungt.
thats he's words to me. thats it. i said it would be enough. that i don't expect anything from him.
i was wrong. it's not ok. i'm by far from ok. those words just don't say anything. (that my heart wants to hear.)

aaargh i got to just rock away like a litttle sick chanceless bastard



**** but
this morning i woke up in svedmyra.

eilen taivas oli vapaa sinullekin..... *silmät kii* elämä on helppoo, silloin kun on joku josta pitää kii.....


en tiedä miksi olen näin tehnyt. en tiedä mitä se tarkoittaa..... vain koska olin ihan sekaisin siitä yöstä.....?
en kai, en ainakaan sillei käyttäytynyt.... en ajatellut kauheasti syytä. tai seurauksia. seurasin vain. seurasin niitä. sanoin saa nähä mitä tapahtuu. saa nähä mitä tässä nähdään. vähän kuin elokuvaa seurasin. se kertoo mun elämästä.

kerroin sille mun elämästä, kun se kysyi. kerroin sille mun lukitteneesta itsetunnostaja minkälaisessa hiljaisuudessa olen elänyt. se vaikutti kiinnostuneelta. se vaikutti kiinnostuneelta ratkaista mun ongelmat. se antoi mulle paljon ehdotuksia. se näki mussa että eksynyt olin. se näki. se näki niin paljon ihanilla silmillään. sillä oli niin ihanat silmät. maailman ihanimmat. i'm not joking.



without these experiences i wouldnt have anything. if i could accept this without whipping my self.


i dont hate you. i just cant be normal about this. so you'll see me avoiding you. thats how i've learned to live trough my love storrys.


i gave him a choise. he doesnt have to call.....
live with it.


i'm living under this black cloud of sin. .... .. . . and im scared. of how much i can lie. i've got to lie. for the sake of my life.



jag är en kärleks narkoman, mitt hjärta hoppar från den ena substansen till det andra, den kan aldrig få nog, den kan aldrig sitta still


why couldnt we finnish what we started? or you think we did?


i feel bad, i feel great, i dont feel the sorrow but i feel the terror, i feel something but i dont know what, am i numb? am i still not seeing, am i just missing? am i hating the one im missing? no.


and he will not call probably. the other one. the Robel, the beautifull heartsaver, the god damn heart inflamer.

i gave him a choise. i would not make him do it. i expect he doesnt. i understand if he doesn't. im a broke lovefool and it was a fiasco.


my life, it suddently seems emptyee emptyee ee emptyee-ee
it's not. it was empty. then you filled it with something. the you took it away.


it's okay.. "det är tvärlungt" he said.

it was so beautifull tho.
and that's how i want to remember it.

i have this sweet, mellow smile on my face when i think of this. it can't be wrong. it can't be totally wrong.